My new look

I proudly announce that, I'm wearing hijab. You know, a scarf that covers your head. If you ask why and how, well, it's such a long journey. But let me break it down into 5 things or steps that went through my mind before I decided to wear hijab. Hopefully, this post inspires other Muslim women to cover their heads.

1. I'm not ready.

Well, that is my reason every time people ask me why I don't wear hijab. It was until a women came on to me -out of no where- and asked me why, intensively. After I answered it with my classic answer, she said, "if you're about to die, you can't said 'wait, don't take me yet, I'm not ready, I haven't wear hijab', can you? and since wearing hijab is an obligation, you need to wear it, no matter what". Her words struck me pretty bad. My tears started to falls, don't know why. Then, I kept on thinking about it and started to plan. I also thought that if I keep on waiting, until when will I be ready? Will I ever know that I'm ready? I remember it correctly, that woman came on to me on October 2010. And a little while after that, I started to plan forwards.

2. Look Different.

This is the first thing that comes to my mind when I started to think about hijab. How will I look afterwards? How different will I look? How will others react? Will I comfortable with myself? Will I able to wear cute/fashionable clothes anymore? - It was me, long before that women came on to me. After she came, I thought that I can try different ways to wear hijab so that I feel comfortable in it and I still can wear cute/fashionable clothes as long as it is long sleeves and big enough for me to wear. So this problem is solved. Checked! It was around May 2011.

3. Bad Thought.

When other people from other country saw a women with hijab, they thought she is a terrorist. Or in some country, they underestimate Muslim woman. Since I've been to that country and heard someone calling Muslims are terrorist, I'm afraid if I'm being noticeable by them, I don't have any argument to fight back. Back then I was just a kid. I know little about my religion. Since then, I try to seek more knowledge, throw some challenging questions to other Muslims and listen to their answers, just in case later on, it will be my time to answer it. I observe people and realize that there are a few Muslims out there that know little about Islam, even less than me. But they are proud and say it out loud that they are Muslims. Then, I thought that there will never enough knowledge for someone to understand, but you need faith to do what you need to do. As long as you believe in it, Insha Allah, others will understand. I have my faith around Feb 2012.

4. Lost my significant other and 5. Everything else

Sounds silly, I know. But look around, people do care about what's their significant other are thinking or saying. And after a long steps that I went through and faith that I finally have, I still think about what if after I change, I lost him. Because maybe he doesn't like the changes that I've made. After several thoughts, I finally said to myself "I rather lost him, than lost a GOD". I know that this hijab is really important for me, it's an obligation for every Muslim woman and if I don't wear it, Allah may not be with me anymore. And I know that there will be someone out there that accept me with hijab. Almost at the same time, I also thought that I might lose what I have right now. Anything. Such as freedom, or any other opportunities. But then, as I know better, woman will feel free when they wear hijab, there will be no guy looking at them with 'that' look. And, if you can't get a good opportunity by wearing hijab, then it's not good enough. Nothing comes good from someone who can't respect our religion. And remember that Allah will give you even better opportunity if you still wear your hijab. I brace myself to move forward around March 2013.

Then, I just wait and getting ready for it.

Why not wearing it directly? Well, I'm not a big fan of 'suddenly', especially, not for this big changing in my life and myself. Even more, from March-July, it was oh-super-hectic-days for me, busy preparing my thesis and all of the documents for PhD admission. I don't think I have a little room to think about this changing. Because you know, you can't just suddenly wear hijab as you like it - at least, not for me. I need to think how will I wear it and what kinds of materials that I'm comfortable with. I need to prepare every tiny details, so that when I change, I don't feel like a stranger with myself. So I decided to wear it around August when things are settled.

So here I am, wearing hijab, proudly, since August 26th.

In 2012, I experienced a lot of unique things or reminders - I would say, which makes me feel uneasy and rush the process of wearing hijab. (1) Around January, out of a sudden, my mom's friend asked me when will I wear hijab. (2) On March, a stranger thought that I'm Christian because I don't wear hijab. (3) Around June-July, my mom's staffs asked me, when should I cover my head like my mom. (4) Around July, a stranger that doesn't know if I'm a Muslim or not, ask me why I don't wear hijab. (5) Uncountable nightmares about not wearing hijab and there was one night I woke up from that nightmares and found tears on my eyes.

 

*Despite all my understandings in each step, there's always one legitimate-undeniable facts that I included in my steps: "There's always good things that comes from believe in Allah and woman looks prettier in front of Allah if they cover their body and head, no matter it's a fashionable clothes or not."